By Allison Goldberg

Most people just spent an unprecedented year taking meetings from their bedroom, couch, or (inadvisably) bathroom. In 2017, a BBC clip went viral when a man’s children interrupted; in 2020, that man became everyone. But now, in a move that somehow feels almost as jarring, vaccinations are on the rise (though, sadly, not reaching herd immunity) and offices are discussing whether the future is remote, in-person, or hybrid. Social anxiety is taking the place of social distancing.

As always, great advice can often come from unexpected places, and so I reached out to Judi Lewis Ockler, Intimacy Director with IDC and adjunct professor of Intimacy in Performance at NYU and Sarah Lawrence College, to learn from her work as a consent facilitator. Isn’t that just what everyone expected?

Allison Goldberg: What, in your words, is the power of no?

Judi Lewis Ockler: The power of no is the power of self-assertion; a power we don’t often think about in our society. There is a lot of pressure to define ourselves by how much we do, and to refuse an offer bumps up against that. Saying no can be a way to take back autonomy.  

Goldberg: As theater people, we’re often talking about “yes and” - which is a great way for offices to be more collaborative and create a culture of positivity. But there’s also power in saying no! What do you think is that precarious balance at work between saying yes vs. no?

Ockler: I think it all boils down to knowing what your own personal boundaries are, and being clear about what you can manage physically, emotionally, socially, and financially. If I as an individual have taken the space and time to determine what I can give of myself in work situations, the balance becomes clear - and hopefully, it becomes easier to utilize yes or no in any given situation. 

Goldberg: Are there certain physical or emotional signs we can look out for in ourselves that perhaps indicate: “okay, maybe I should be saying no to this”?

Ockler: Definitely. If you’ve ever heard the expression “listen to your gut” - it’s backed by scientific evidence that suggests our bodies store sensory information, such as nonverbal cues in our environment, as well as information from previous (even forgotten) experiences that then trigger a physiological response when a circumstance arises that would be uncomfortable or potentially harmful to us. I always recommend my clients and students listen to their inner voice when considering an ask.  

Goldberg: Women notoriously have trouble saying no - do you have any advice on saying it? How can we gear ourselves up to do it? 

Ockler: I like to think of putting every ask through a series of “filters”. Those filters usually coming in the form of questions for the asker (or myself). Questions such as:

• “How much time will this take?”
• “What’s the compensation rate?”
• “Does this further my work, mission, or career?”
• “What’s the emotional paycheck?” Or, put another way, “How does this fulfill me, other than monetarily?”

Asking these questions will assure I get the most authentic answer (especially a NO answer), since I’ve forced myself to think about what it really means to me.  

Goldberg: Is there a “no” meditation or practice? 

Ockler: Answer robocalls and purposefully say no to them! So gratifying, and it develops a more neutral emotional response to giving a no. 

Goldberg: I think many of us think about setting boundaries with colleagues, but it’s also about setting boundaries with family members, roommates, and friends. Are there any differences you see in setting boundaries with different types of people in your life? (Or are the principles all the same?)

Ocker: I think the principles are the same, but the tone will be different with a loved one, a child, a boss, or a co-worker. It’s important to think about mutual respect and a desire to come from a place of “do unto others as you would have done unto you”, especially when it’s someone you live with and love. My tone will be more professional and perhaps data-driven with my boss than with my 2 year old, but I want to let them both know that I respect them as people first when asking them to respect my boundaries. 

Goldberg: Any final thoughts on how the principles of consent can be applied to the workplace? 

Ockler: When consent is present, it gives the ensemble or team the freedom to be creative, productive problem solvers because they aren’t spending those resources protecting themselves from harm. Implementing the concept that productivity is not at odds with respecting people’s boundaries is a good place to start.

To learn more, please visit idcprofessionals.com.